r/KeepWriting • u/-The-Master-Baiter- • 1d ago
Advise Needed! I'm not at all confident in my writing.
The excerpt is below. I've written a lot, and I often feel good while writing, but after looking back I realize that I absolutely hate everything about it. Right now I don't mind this, but I know I wont feel the same way later, please give me advise so I can see the issues earlier. I appreciate you!
“The King shall not let a peasant pass for so little as that!” Joe exclaimed, the stick in his hand waving, the white lichen at its tip swaying.
“We gave you all we have!” Emmy said. The four peasants clustered before the king, dark round pebbles that groveled to the ground, incomparable to the towering majesty of the king.
“And it is not enough.” the King said, “You think I care if you work every day? You think I care if you save for years? It matters not to me. I am the king. Results are what matter to me.”
“Oh please, won't you take it?” the peasants begged “We need only to pass on to the promised land to see our kin.”
The king leaned forwards, his white hair brushing the peasants' stony bodies. “I control the gate, peasants. Me. Your money means nothing unless you are able to meet the toll. Now go, before I make you. The guards await around the corner. Do you want them to escort you out?”
“Okay, my king.” the peasants said. “We will gather more. Just please, dont raise the toll again. We can hardly keep pace. Just yesterday my neighbor starved trying to set aside money for the toll.”
“Dont test my patience.” The king said, his guards now looming behind him, hulking stones covered in a fur of moss.
“KIDS!” came his voice, booming and deep, cutting through the world of imagination Joe had been building. Suddenly, the king was only a stick, the guards only rocks, the peasants pebbles, their hard earned money only scraps of grass, Joe and Emmy, no longer gods, but children.
Joe hopped to his feet and Emmy did the same, and they rushed away from the spot of flattened grass and scattered stones which had been the kingdom of Fenrir. They rushed between tall trees and across a path of dirt and exposed roots that he and Emmy had worn down themselves walking back and forth to the house. Light shone up ahead and soon they were in the open space where the house resided.
Father stood in front of the garden, his arms folded so that the muscle of his forearms bunched together, in a way Joe couldn’t imagine his arms ever looking like. Joe didn’t like the way Father was standing. He looked like he had been waiting. He towered like a tree. His body thick and sturdy, the power of his muscles barely concealed by his dirt stained clothes.
Joe’s heart rate began to rise, and beside him Emmy was still, though Joe dared not look away from Father to get a better look at her. He could only think about the beating that might be about to come, for whatever it was that they had done to upset Father. This time he wouldn’t let Emmy take it again. This time he would step up.
“Kids.” Father said, letting the silence draw out, and meeting his gaze with each of theirs before speaking. “I will be going to town for a few days. While I’m gone I expect the garden to be cared for, the animals to be fed, and Emmy I expect you to care for your little brother. Don’t let him run off again or break something. I won’t let you take his punishment again.”
They each nodded, and without another word Father shouldered his worn black bag and began the walk to town. Joe and Emmy waited a long few minutes before allowing themselves to relax. A wild heart-racing joy filled him. A few days without Father, just him and Emmy all alone. He turned to look at her.
Emmy was watching the path where Father had disappeared, as if waiting for him to emerge from the bend after which trees obscured the trail. He walked up behind her and tapped her shoulder. Emmy turned slowly and looked down at him. Her eyes were such a deep brown, and she was so tall. Sometimes Joe couldn’t believe that she was ten and he was eight. He couldn’t imagine possibly being like her when he turned ten in two years.
Emmy smiled upon seeing him. “Whatta you want to do Joe?”
How about the Kingdom game?” Joe said. “No, what about the hiding game. Actually, lets go into Father’s room, and see what he keeps in there.”
“Only if it’s unlocked.” Said Emmy and they went inside.
Emmy tried the door to Father’s room and it jiggled. Emmy said the latch was loose on the other side, and maybe that was why Father had gone to town. However, in the end the door to Father’s room was locked. It had always been locked. The door being locked was part of living here, like the lake two miles out, or Momo the Goat. But every time Father left he and Emmy tried it.
When they were done trying the lock. Joe turned to Emmy and asked “What are we gonna do if we do get it open? Are we really gonna go to town?”
“Yes.” Said Emmy. “I know father keeps things in his room. The important thing is money. I know we need that to buy things. We can use it for food and a place to stay when we get there.”
“Are you sure?” Joe asked. “What if they don’t take money from us? We probably aren’t supposed to have it.”
“It's ok Joe. We just need to make it there first. After that we just take it one step at a time. Like how Ma taught you to walk. Remember that?”
“Yeah,” Joe said, smiling. He noticed how she hadn’t answered his question. A few years ago he hadn’t noticed when she did that, but now he did. He never brought it up because he noticed that she always did it when the topic was something where the answer was worse than the question itself. Like when he broke his wrist, and kept asking how long before he could heal. He could see now that whenever she said something like “Father said it wasn’t so bad, it should heal fast.” It made him feel better than telling him it would take three moons, and that he would always have a weak grip in his left hand.
“I love you Emmy.”
“I love you too, Joe.” she said and reached down to put her hand on his head. Even though she was so thin and slim compared to father, she somehow felt bigger than him sometimes.
After that they spent the day day playing the hiding game in the woods.
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u/tapgiles 20h ago
Are you looking for feedback? Critique? Encouragement?
Or advice on how to not worry so much? Or advice on how to edit in a way you don't go mad?