r/JUSTNOMIL • u/throwawaystingray9 • Jan 26 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted MIL left family group chat because my husband and I don’t want our baby shower at a children’s residential treatment facility
Honestly looking to vent and get some advice. I don’t know how to deal with this…
My husband’s mom texted us randomly yesterday that she is going to reserve a place at her job to have a baby shower for us when we (might visit) in the spring. We haven’t bought flights and are just talking about dates. My husband hasn’t asked his work off yet.
I told her that I think it would be wise to wait until we actually buy our flights before we get anything written down. But she kept pressing and said she would reserve it.
The thing is… my MIL works at a children’s home (honestly a residential metal health facility with “troubled child” vibes) for kids where the majority were adopted and their parents disrupted the adoption, usually due to behavioral challenges. A lot of these kids have been through a lot of heartbreak. I don’t really think it’s appropriate to have a baby shower there. And honestly my husband and I don’t want to have a party there. I’d love to volunteer there sometime I just think it’s rude to have a baby shower at a place where kids aren’t able to live with their families anymore.
My MIL also said that people will want to get us gifts. I said no in person gifts please since we are flying across the country they should be shipped to our house. I think it’s wasteful to pay to ship it to our house after the party. My MIL said that people will want to watch us open it but I said no thanks. I know she’s ticked about that.
So my husband and I decided to text her about the baby shower and just give her a list of what we are thinking of because we haven’t even talked about it yet. She never asked what we are thinking and what we would like. For more context my husband lived there for over a decade and has lots of family and friends we rarely see. We want to have more of a reunion instead of a traditional baby shower. This is her first grandchild and our first child. This is what we sent:
Baby Shower/Party Ideas
-> No thank you for the Children’s Home venue
-> No in person gifts, if people do want to get a gift it needs to be shipped to our house since we are flying!
-> We would like a pot luck vibe. Just getting together for a dinner with friends to celebrate the baby, not a traditional baby shower
-> Both genders and kids are welcome
-> Other ideas could include meeting at a park to eat and play games (can jam, corn hole, ultimate frisbee, etc). Meeting somewhere with bowing/laser tag, etc. Even if a family member or friend has a larger house to host and are willing that’s fine or your house
-> We need to wait until my husband’s work confirms his time off before reserving a place
Her response is perplexing me and even the next day I’m still mad.
Then she responded:
“Ok. Well, you guys plan whatever you want and just tell us when and where to come. Was just trying to help since yall are so far away, and do something for everyone here to celebrate with you & us but I understand. It usually takes a lot of coordination ahead of time to get eveyone to an event and as we've seen the past, without advanced plans, some may not be able to come like family members. I think you have everyone's addresses or phone numbers you want but if not, Dad has them. I'm gonna bow out because apparently am not needed.”
THEN SHE LEFT THE FAMILY GROUP CHAT THAT WAS JUST MY HUSBAND, HIS MOM AND DAD, AND I.
Like what the heck? What do I even do? I feel like her reaction is way overblown. I don’t want to deal with stuff like this in the future as her behavior has just gotten worse the longer I’ve been pregnant. I honestly want my husband to send her this but I think it would make the situation worse:
“We just wanted to text you what we are thinking because we haven’t talked seriously about a baby shower yet. We did not say or imply that you are not needed, as you said in your reply. We also didn’t appreciate it when you left the group chat. You are our baby’s grandmother. We want you involved.
If you asked you would know that we decided against the children’s home as a venue because we felt it was insensitive to the hardships the children have gone through. We thought it would be rude to celebrate the start of our family where many children there are grieving the loss of their family. We just think it’s rude to have a baby shower at a place where kids aren’t able to live with their families anymore. It’s nothing against you.
If you don’t want to be involved that’s fine, just let us know so we can still plan something as we would like to catch up with family and friends since this will be the last time we visit in about a year.”
A piece of me just wants to do whatever she wants. There’s so much going on in the world and I’m irritated about a stupid baby shower, but also I want to work more on upholding boundaries in my life. I don’t this to become a cycle where my MIL withdraws from us when she “doesn’t get her way.”
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u/MadamMim88 Jan 26 '26
Whatever you do don’t tell her that she is needed. If anything you need to cement the fact that she is not needed. It’s good to say that you want her to be involved but don’t give people like her the power to believe that she is somehow important.
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u/Few-Introduction-865 Jan 26 '26
Good lord. Rent a hotel for your visit and ask about a conference room for your gathering. Typically they dont have rules and will allow a potluck with outside food. She is too busy feeling sorry for herself to see that you arent opposed to her help- you just have your own ideas too.
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u/QueenMEB120 Jan 26 '26
Ignore her. She wants you to chase her and tell her how awesome she is and that you'll let her plan the baby shower. Do the exact opposite. Plan your baby shower how you want it and she can get an invite just like everyone else. She needs to learn that the bigger her fit is, the less she gets. Think of this as practice for when your baby throws a tantrum. You don't give in and give them what they want if you want the behaviour to stop. MIL is behaving like an overgrown toddler so treat her as one. She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in.
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u/jn29 Jan 26 '26
I'd probably just let her throw her shower and then plan another one where I actually live.
But, I thought you weren't supposed to plan your own? And men go to baby showers now? Haha, I'd never get my husband to one.
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u/Fcktwat1 Jan 26 '26
i feel like this would only encourage her bad behavior
and yeah, my baby shower had men and woman.
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u/Lindris Jan 26 '26
Don’t let her do what she wants! This isn’t her child. She’s had her kids and made the parental choices. This is your baby and your parenthood journey needs to be at the forefront. Her expectations for her grandma experience is not even on the table. What you allow now will just get worse when LO is here and mil learns she can push until you give in to her demands. Boundaries with consequences need to be laid.
Plus..how friggin tone deaf to have a baby shower at a children’s residential facility? Is she daft? Why would she think that was appropriate in any manner?
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u/shrimpscampy311 Jan 26 '26
Just ignore it. Plan your shower the way you want it. There’s no need to add gas to the fire by responding to her.
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u/life-is-satire Jan 26 '26
Yes! I think the response you want your husband to send has a loving and inclusive tone while also setting boundaries.
Some people want it their way and don’t see how it can be done otherwise.
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 Jan 26 '26
You do nothing. She left the group of her own volition. It's not your job to fix whatever you might think requires fixing (it really doesn't).
Your FiL is still in the group so anything that's posted there can be passed along if needs be. If you're not the administrator of the group (not sure who is the admin of the group) they could add her back in and if asked, they could say that they thought she accidentally left the group so they added her back in, just to be sure.
All things considered though, I wouldn't do anything right now. It'll annoy her more if she isn't added back into the group because she won't know what is going on anymore.
Good luck with it all - sounds like you might need it.
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u/basketcaseofbananas Jan 26 '26
I see people saying that the text to her was harsh. But it sounds like you've had conversations with her prior to this and she wasn't listening. It's smart to have things in writing for people who try to make plans FOR you and not WITH you.
DH can call her and maybe say something like:
"Mom, I get you're excited but we don't even have the dates we're coming to visit yet. You started to plan a shower without any input from myself or OP and when we did mention that we weren't comfortable with the location or opening gifts you brushed our concerns aside. So we sent a text outlining what we wanted so there would be no confusion.
We don't get to see everyone very often so we're trying to make the best use of our time, and plan things we'll enjoy. We appreciate you making suggestions but it's not ok to make decisions for us. It's not ok to try to guilt us when we don't agree with a suggestion.
If this is something you struggle with, then I agree with you that it's best OP and I plan the baby shower. We can let you know what we decide once everything is finalized.
Mom, you seem to be taking this personally and are being defensive. This is not the relationship we want to have. We should be able to make decisions about our own lives without having to worry about managing your feelings.
If this continues, we will just plan visits without your input, and just make you aware of the dates we will be in town and when we're available to meet up."
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u/babutterfly Jan 26 '26
If this is something you struggle with, then agree with you that it's best OP and I plan the baby shower. We can let you know what we decide once everything is finalized.
This gives MIL the ability to choose to plan the shower or not.
"It's best OP and I plan the baby shower. We can let you know what we decide once everything is finalized."
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u/IntrepidMuch Jan 26 '26
You do nothing. Have a conversation with your DH and the two of you can work with whoever in that location to plan the shower that you want. Do not let her hysterics give you cause to pause. If you start now, you are just setting up for her misbehavior to be rewarded time and time again.
As for fwiw, yes, people would want to be there to watch you open their gift. There is no getting around that. You are going to have to be okay with paying for shipment. What you should do is have two registries. One with smaller, lighter items for this shower and then another for larger heavier items for the shower you have in your home city.
Don’t even try to tell people to give you cash or send gifts. That’s just a can of worms you could do without.
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u/HootblackDesiato Jan 26 '26
My hot take:
MIL is dropping the rope. Let that rope lie. Do not beg her to reengage. It would be great if some other family member could take on the shower, and MIL can come as a guest.
If she's getting pissy about this, she won't quit until you two put a stop to it.
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u/AdZealousideal6002 Jan 26 '26
I didn’t even have a baby shower. I refuse to deal with this. On both my side and his. No one’s holding shit over my head. I also limit who has access to my kids.
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u/Piglet_168 Jan 26 '26
No give in! Tbh if this is how she acts now; it will be worse with bub arrives, she will be more entitled.
Source: living through it myself now 😂
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u/Windswept_Questant Jan 26 '26
Did she even ask to host your shower or did she just assume you’d go along with everything?
Her response back basically says “I don’t think you’ll plan it in time. You won’t get invites out in time and so no one will go”.
Are you worried about planning anything in time and inviting people? If yes, and you don’t think you can handle it, then perhaps talk to her in a week. If you’re not worried, say “thank you for understanding, we’ll send you an invite when we have planned!”
Well done for rocking the boat! You need to put down foundations now for her to be able to compromise for holiday plans with the baby in the next few years.
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 Jan 26 '26
Don't capitulate!
Your instincts are spot-on, and anyway, it's your baby, your family, your decisions.
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u/cupcakesandcanes Jan 26 '26
What do you do? Nothing. Let her have her tantrum. Don’t chase her, she’ll crawl back on her own.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 Jan 26 '26
Don't send any of that, that's what she wants. Say absolutely nothing then plan something with help from ANYONE else (maybe some of DH's friends and their partners) and just send her the invite. She's trying to control every aspect and have what SHE wants but it's not her baby shower! Leave her to sulk, her emotions are her own to manage ... if you try to pacify her now, it just shows her that she can get away with sulking once baby arrives and it will get her the attention she wants and her way. No is a full answer and she needs to realise that you don't have to justify your reasons for saying no.
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u/equationgirl Jan 26 '26
She's having a tantrum because you're not telling her she's the best gran-gran ever for doing such things.
Let her.
Do not go.
Having a coerced baby shower in an environment where such an event could set some children back significant in their healing journey if they accidentally saw it is so breathtakingly thoughtless I have zero words.
Just. Absolutely the f not.
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
She’s upset that she can’t throw herself a grandma shower at her job where everyone can see how wonderful she is. Let her throw her tantrum.
At this point, I’d just cancel the trip and focus your time and attention on preparing for the baby.
This is how it will play out if you do go: She will throw a shower anyway. It will be at the Children’s Home. People will give you gifts that you cannot transport back home with you without incurring significant expense. Alternatively, MIL will keep all of the gifts at her house “to use when the baby comes to visit.” You will be frustrated and upset that she didn’t listen to you. She will be angry and accuse you of being ungrateful.
It sucks not having the family we wish we had, especially during this stage of life. But will be a lot easier in the long run if you make the decision to not accept “help” that isn’t actually helpful.
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u/Internal_Lifeguard29 Jan 26 '26
Hey OP, I am going to let you in on a not so secret. Weddings and babies make people act ridiculous. People who are otherwise kind, loving, socially adept adults turn into controlling, neurotic weirdos. You need to take a step back and ask yourself what you want your long term relationship with your MIL to look like, and act accordingly. She likely sees this, the birth of her grandchild, as something that is about her. Something she has been thinking about and dreaming about and has all these ideas and plans for and it is going to be a tough wake up call for her to realize it is not in fact, about her. She wants a party with all her loved ones so she can be celebrated as a future grandparent. It not you, it’s her. The good news is, most adults sort themselves out after the baby is born and normalcy returns. But don’t make permanent decisions on a temporary moment of annoyance. Just politely say “these are the reasons we prefer options abc (most people shop online, free delivery vs paid shipping post event, gift cards etc) this is why option xyz won’t work for us (airline restrictions, cost of shipping, etc). And give her some tasks to do like decorations and sending invites to keep her involved. You aren’t wrong to think this behaviour is ridiculous, but you also can protect your future dynamic for once the fog recedes and things are back to normal. You got this!
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
Thank you this is good advice. I don’t want to burn the bridge, I just don’t want this to be a common thing to deal with!
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u/Adventurous-Dog4949 Jan 26 '26
Ignore her. She wants a response out of you. She wants you to beg her to come back and be involved. Don't do it or she will repeat this cycle in the future.
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u/Trepenwitz Jan 26 '26
You don’t need to respond. You don’t owe her an explanation. You don’t have to get her to agree with you. You just coordinate a reunion. She is being passive aggressive and the way to deal with that is to ignore it. If she wants to go “I guess I’m just not needed,” then let her not be needed. She’ll realize this whiny baby BS doesn’t work. And she’ll change her behavior. Maybe I would respond, “we can talk about it if you want.” Then the ball is in her court and she has to be whiny out loud.
Though I will say trying to tell someone how to plan a party for you is pretty gauche. The location thing is legit, but being all “no this” and “no that” is not the way to word your desires for a party that someone else is literally giving you.
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u/SnooPets8873 Jan 26 '26
I think the tone of what you sent was cold and borderline rude. I think even a kind and easygoing person would be a little hurt at the way that was written. That said, I’m going to assume you were at your wit’s end having already tried in more courteous ways to decline her suggestions. But I think she is right overall - you should plan this yourselves. She is on a different page than you as far as goals and opinions so rather than having to fight the gap, best to do yourselves.
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u/NewBet7377 Jan 26 '26
Asking not to receive in-person gifts because they’re flying isn’t half as gauche as having a baby shower at a children’s mental health facility lol
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
I wasn’t intending to be rude, we were just trying to brain storm what we are thinking. I’m a big planner. If we showed up and there was a lot of stuff we can’t take back because we are flying that would be a hassle. I’m not asking people to get us gifts, especially since we live so far away, I think that’s tacky and rude. We just want to catch up with friends and family.
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u/thermalcat Jan 26 '26
You weren't rude. She's throwing her weight around to get her own way. Don't engage with this strop or you'll always be doing so.
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u/agarPlate25 Jan 26 '26
To preface this, I'm not american and we don't really do baby showers in my country (Sweden). I do think It's extremely reasonable to tell someone what kind of party you want and ensure that people don't spend a bunch of money on stuff you don't need. I have a baby and both during the pregnancy and after the birth I mostly appreciated people asking what I needed rather than telling me, especially close family... Focus on your health, happiness and little family!
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u/NorthernLitUp Jan 26 '26
You are fine. You absolutely should have a say in how your baby shower looks and feels abd youre trying to INCLUDE family, not exclude anyone.
And obviously in person gifts make no sense when you have to fly home. Ignore her temper tantrum. Plan your shower. Send her an invite and don't feed into her drama.
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u/Trepenwitz Jan 26 '26
I completely understand that. But you could have worded it better. “We’d love to just see everyone and have a very low-key get together. I don’t think the Children’s Home location is a good idea. Let’s do something more private. We wouldn’t be able to take gifts home on the plane, so if anyone wants to give us something, please ask them to send it directly to the house, but this doesn’t need to be a gift giving occasion. Seeing all the family is gift enough. Husband has not secured time off, so we should really wait to plan until after that’s taken care of. Let us know if there’s anything we can help with.”
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u/Hhbg459 Jan 26 '26
This, 100%. Kinder wording would have made a world of difference. You may not have intended to be rude, but you were. Your MIL’s response wasn’t appropriate either, but there’s work to be done on both sides.
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u/Cool_Organization_55 Jan 26 '26
Just ignore it. She'll add herself back and act like nothing happened
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u/Striking_Physics1894 Jan 26 '26
Having a baby shower at a children's residential treatment facility seems a little tone deaf to me. Not exactly the kind of place that I would associate with that kind of event. You have given me an idea however, I'm gonna ask my wife if we can celebrate her birthday at a maximum security prison or local trauma center this year. It sounds like a hoot.
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 Jan 26 '26
Pretty sure that if she asked her boss about it, she would be met with 'Are you out of your MIND?"
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Jan 26 '26
OMG the trash took itself out. this is a win. the only rational response to her is, "Ok thank you."
never never never chase someone who is having a temper tantrum.
You do nothing but grey rock (and thank your lucky stars that you don't have to deal with this bitch about this baby shower)!
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u/AccordingToWhom1982 Jan 26 '26
That’s a childish and manipulative response from your MIL, and it was her choice to bow out. Let her sulk, and, when you’re ready, get in touch with family and friends about someone else hosting a get together. If she gets upset about that, just send her a screenshot of her last text in the family chat.
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u/Quiet_Plant6667 Jan 26 '26
Don’t bother sending the text. She ain’t reading all that. And it will be used as ammo against you for the remainder of your marriage.
Move forward with whatever plans you prefer and don’t involve her except to invite her. Her text and leaving the chat were an attempt to get a rise out of you. Dont play into that.
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u/PromiseIMeanWell Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
Her last line said it all: “I'm gonna bow out because apparently (I) am not needed.”
This is about her struggles in how to fit into her adult children’s lives and realizing that everyone really is growing up (with the reality that a baby is on the way), moving on with families of their own, and that she’s not as needed. It’s a tough realization for a lot of parents because essentially parenting is like having a job for 18+ years that you were happy with and loved, then all of a sudden getting laid off. It’s hard having your kids grow up and coming to terms that that chapter of life is now over.
But MIL needs to realize and come to terms that this is just part of life. She did her job so well to raise kids who became independent, found partners, and have started to build families of their own - and that’s AMAZING and ultimately the goal! She may not be an active mom, but she has the chance to be an involved grandmother, to start having time to focus on herself and her hobbies and interests, to put a focus on her own partner/other relationships, and to reestablish a new relationship with her adult kids as someone who continues to be a friend and support system, a sound board, a shopping buddy, etc.
That said, while you can have compassion for her emotional struggles, it’s also important that you and your partner get a chance to make your own decisions! That’s a right of passage for becoming adults! I’d let her cool down a bit from her emotional melt down then have your partner talk to his mom. Have him acknowledge how difficult all this must be, but how grateful he is that she raised him well to be so independent. Things might be different and as adults you’ll be making more decisions for yourselves, but that she still is very much loved and how forward the two of you look to watching her become a grandma and being there for advice and support. It’s a way to let her know she still matters and is needed but to also understand that you two are adults now and it’s ok for the two of you to have opinions on what you’d like to do in your lives. It isn’t about her anymore and she will need to come to terms with that. Talk to dad too - this is a good time for FIL to give some extra love and attention to MIL to reassure her and get him to back you guys up in your needs to have independence.
Change is sincerely so hard! Wishing you all the best of luck.
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u/miriandrae Jan 26 '26
Just cancel the whole thing and do what you want. I have found a lot of these MIL types never grew up beyond middle school, they’re vastly emotionally immature, expect their wants to be the center of everything, because you’re just bit players in her world.
So don’t respond, because you’re expecting reasonable behavior from someone who clearly can’t be reasonable. Asking for it will just be received as an attack and give her more ammunition for how “you hate her” and “how he’s changed”.
If you decide to go out there, then do what you want and invite what you want. Do not stay with her, rent a car, and visit only if and when you feel like.
She still views you as children who are beholden to her, by creating space it makes it easier to keep your autonomy.
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u/Neither-Dentist-7899 Jan 26 '26
Ignore MIL. She wanted a celebration in her way instead of thinking about what’s convenience and wanted for you (plural). If you chase after her now, you’re teaching her to keep throwing tantrums to get her way (attention).
If you want a baby shower, why not try the COVID type of virtual baby showers? That way, people can watch the live, see you open the presents and everyone wins? My cousin did this and I was a huge fan (she is 10 hours away). They had theirs in their nursery close to delivery, so we all got a peak of the crib and stuff.
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u/RavenRead Jan 26 '26
So once upon a time I worked in a similar situation and it really wasn’t a big deal. It was more the staff and an empty space than anything else. Her co-workers are excited for her and you’re embarrassing her.
Come at her with more curiosity and questions rather than.. 1. NO. 2. No. 3. Are you kidding me? No. 4. I sound like a spoiled bitch but still NO.
Maybe she’s off the wall. You need to pick up the phone and TALK. No texting. It’s absolutely unacceptable for grandma to walk away. I’m team Work It Out.
It’s also unacceptable for her son to let it get this far. He should have taken the time off work and notified her. He ought to take an active role in this.
Her SON and DIL are coming to visit. She’s ecstatic and making plans. Y’all will learn how to come to town and be hosted with practice. Come more than once a year. When you give birth, think about that. Your in-laws see your husband once a year. What if you saw that little baby once a year?
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
My husband has a very demanding job. He was out of the country for over a year recently. The expectation to visit shouldn’t just be on us. They are always welcome in our home but it’s always us who are expected to visit and we just can’t because of my husband’s job.
Also my husband “didn’t let it get this far” she started this randomly.
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u/marcnerd Jan 26 '26
What? She doesn’t have to attend a baby shower at a place that makes her uncomfortable. This is such an odd response.
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u/idrinkmycoffeeneat Jan 26 '26
Ew. How tone deaf of her. Call her bluff!
Hey, we’ve decided that while we’d love to see and celebrate baby while in town, youre right it’s a lot to coordinate and with the complexity of travel (for us and potential gifts), and time off its not something we have the time or capacity to plan for now. We’re still navigating our registry, Dr appts, finding a pediatrician, birth plans, work out of office plans, insurance updates and you know just all the things. Thanks for the recommendations and looking forward to seeing you when you can make it to meet baby.
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u/pnwgremlin Jan 26 '26
IMO she is trying to get you to cave by chasing her. Ignore, let her throw her tantrum. Do not get in the habit of placating her.
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u/_Disco-Stu Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
You do nothing. Not a single thing. She’s trying to lure you into the trap of being the scapegoat, don’t bite. Let her twist in the wind.
This is an overgrown toddler stomping her feet that the big princess party she’s been fantasizing about being the center of is better suited to being a potluck since it is in fact not her party.
As a person who both had no parents and later started my career in child protective services, you are absolutely correct that hosting a baby shower in what functionally amounts to an orphanage is out of the question. I’m genuinely shocked her employer would even be on board with that.
Has anyone besides MIL confirmed that her employer has given the all clear to host a baby shower in a place full of kids with trauma around not having parents?
If I’m you, I’m not touching any of this with a 100 foot pole. I’d ask my spouse to coordinate with his Dad on which one of them gets to be the one to manage MIL’s emotions for her, but it won’t be you, OP.
Wild horses couldn’t get me to agree to allow her to host anything after this though. The communication coming from my spouse to FIL would be something along the lines of, “It’s unfortunate that Mom feels that way. We’ve switched gears in light of her decision and will host a small gathering at (MIL’s nemesis house) for a potluck instead.”
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
Her work seems to be a step down from a residential place I’ve worked at in the past. The kids at her work have house parents vs. where I worked was all inside the same building except for school.
It still just seems distasteful to me. I read some of the rules of her work and I don’t feel comfortable having a party there. For example some of the rules where MIL works are they get just one (!!!) 10-15 minute phone call with their family once (!!!) a week, no radio stations except for Christian ones, etc.
She sent us photos and the children’s home has an event space to rent out but I’ve never heard of a place like that having one!
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u/GraemesMama Jan 26 '26
Stop running after her when she throws a tantrum. If you don’t want to go see people after this, if the baby shower was for her sake, don’t go. Throw something close to home and share your info on social media for people to ship a gift. Stop bending over backwards for people who wouldn’t lift a finger for you.
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u/butisaiditwithaK Jan 26 '26
I’d just ignore her tantrum. She wants the chase.
Now when she complains about being left out: “we sent it to the group text.”
She has no one to blame except herself
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u/DuckThisShip Jan 26 '26
I think the response you wrote out is appropriate to send. I also appreciate you considering the children at the facility and how they would feel in that situation. I am assuming the room she can get won't be around the children, but I'm sure some will know a party is going on in the building. I also completely agree about the gifts being shipped. You could offer to have a video chat/skype/webex present opening for baby shower attendees to see their gifts being opened. You aren't wrong, MIL just seems to be in her feelings.
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u/FrostiePi Jan 26 '26
"To celebrate you and us." Very telling.
Let her have her little strop. She wanted to show off she was going to be a grandma to her colleagues, and probably intended to keep the baby stuff at her house instead of shipping it.
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u/LVCC1 Jan 26 '26
This is a blessing. Don’t chase her, let her feel the consequences of her actions.
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u/so-this-is-me-now Jan 26 '26
I’m gonna come in here with a gentler approach. And say that she seems excited, got way too far ahead of the ball and then got unilaterally shut down in a group chat. I agree with you totally about what you want. But if you’d Text me like “point A- NO. Point B- NO! Point 32- Still NO!” Like, girl that shit reads cold hearted as fuck from here. And then you’re forming another text to send her that’s also a cold form letter. Like, I get it. My MIL is a nut job. But I think you’d have gotten a lot better traction with a phone call from both of you explaining the situation. At any rate, stop texting her. It’s clearly not helping. And allow her to be excited and involved. Come up with something and give her a job to feel useful. Sometimes MILs need to be cut off and locked in a padded room. And other times they just need to be managed like a kid would. You gotta decide which case this is and how you want it to go.
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u/upwithpeople84 Jan 26 '26
Do they just let employees bring a bunch of unknown adults to the children’s residential facility? No offense but if so, that’s some lax security for vulnerable people.
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u/chanandler12106 Jan 26 '26
We have a boarding school thats very similar in my town, and my guess is that the rooms that get rented are in a separate facility the kids dont access during the week. Its on the same property, but in a school building, completely separate from the residential buildings.
I've been to several events, including a baby shower, in the "cafeteria" of the school building, and the children arent present at all.
All that said, I totally understand OPs hesitation. I didnt really think of it from that perspective when I went to the baby shower there, but I know that type of thing happens there all the time.
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u/upwithpeople84 Jan 26 '26
Good for them I guess, if they can keep the kids safe and make some money which hopefully goes to the kids.
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
Apparently there’s a large event space that is rented out for things. It surprised me too!
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u/MyCat_SaysThis Jan 26 '26
What a shame that she’s pouting about not getting her way.
I agree wholeheartedly that having a baby shower/family party at a residential faculty is insensitive- it’s akin to rubbing ‘family’ in the faces of kids that have none. What on earth was she thinking?!
Your idea of a pot luck reunion type get together is wonderful and is a great way to go. A park where kids and adults can play fames, run around, etc is a lovely way to introduce your new baby to everyone.
Go for it, and congratulations on your LO!
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u/NiobeTonks Jan 26 '26
Leave it. She wants your husband to chase her. It makes no sense to have a baby shower in a residential treatment facility and no sense at all to book anything until your husband’s annual leave has been approved.
Something you might like to consider: don’t call it a baby shower. People might feel obligated to turn up with presents and expect a women-only event. Pre-baby pot luck?
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u/javel1 Jan 26 '26
Please don't respond to her tantrum. Continue on with what you want and when plans are firm, add her back into the chat.
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u/CestLaquoidarling Jan 26 '26
Let her. She wants to leave the group chat - let her.
You have very specific needs for your shower, you want chill vibes, no gifts at location, both genders etc, reunion vs traditional shower so plan your own shower to your specs or get someone on site who will follow your directions, if she’s mad about that - let her.
Be kind and inform her once you set something up, invite her but is she wants to sulk and not attend - let her.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 Jan 26 '26
Your instincts are spot on. I am from AZ and my husband is from IN. We got married in AZ and moved to IN right after the wedding. I was grateful to have a bridal shower in my home state, but it was more expensive to ship all of our gifts to IN, where we would be using them, than it would have been to just purchase the items for ourselves. I wish I'd asked people to please have the gifts shipped to our future home state.
I also agree that your MIL's choice of venue feels inappropriate. Say no and stand firm. The people who truly care will support you in the way that is actually helpful to you.
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u/Floating-Cynic Jan 26 '26
Don't send anything. She wants to be chased. She clearly is not in the mood to hear what you're going to say. Maybe have your husband tell the group chat so FIL gets it "nobody said she wasn't needed, and if she wants us to visit, she better apologize." I wouldn't visit while she's behaving like this.
If you do visit, and really want to get people together, plan a lunch or something. Since you don't want gifts, planning a "shower" is confusing anyway.
If she's anything like my justnoMom, she'll assume you aren't visiting or she'll assume you are snd then get upset if you don't, but you can't win because what she wants is for you to chase her. Once I stopped chasing her, she ended up in tears that access to grandkids was limited to group activities, and after I ignored that, she eventually accepted my boundaries. She still pushes them and throws mini-tantrums and refuses to communicate from time to time, but she's mostly controlled at this point.
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u/ThrustersToFull Jan 26 '26
No response and no invite to whatever you end up doing. Fight fire with fire or she’s going to get worse every time there’s some family event.
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u/bfc9cz Jan 26 '26
Here’s my two cents, understanding that I am a stranger coming into this blind who will probably be missing some context: I understand how you feel AND how she feels. Interpreting this in the most generous way to everyone involved, she wishes you lived closer to her and is excited to be a first-time grandmother. When she got a whiff of you coming to visit and being open to a party, she got overexcited, started planning prematurely, and then hurt when the wind was taken out of her sails in what it sounds like was a pretty blunt text. Yes, it was silly of her to start planning before your airfare was even booked. You guys saw an insensitive venue choice, but to her it was probably just an opportunity to show you around her workplace (where she is presumably proud to work), maybe introduce her loved ones to the people she spends so much time with every day, and probably give the kids who live there some leftover cake and balloons. She made assumptions along the way which you are, of course, free to correct. But I did interpret your list in this post as essentially asking her to butt out, the harshness of which I think probably wasn’t your intent. Her point about needing to plan these things early when you have a lot of potential guests to wrangle seems reasonable to me. Your instinct now to tell her that of course you want her involved because she’s the baby’s grandmother is a good one. I’d suggest doing it in a phone call rather than a text. Wishing you a wonderful pregnancy and hope any of this was at least a little bit helpful.
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
Thank you for the insight! My husband and I carefully wrote the text because in the past if we aren’t clear she finds a way to still do things she originally planned. So instead of saying, “let’s maybe find a different venue” we just said “no thank you” to be clear.
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u/bfc9cz Jan 26 '26
Clarity is good, and I’m sorry to hear she hasn’t listened to you before. Reading some of your other comments, it sounds like you’d rather not do a party/shower at all, and I agree with you - much less drama and fewer opportunities for bruised egos. If you do want her to be involved in some way, though, finding an opportunity to reassure her that she hasn’t been completely fired as grandma would hopefully help.
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u/DiscountSubject Jan 26 '26
Tbh I’d drop the rope and let your husband handle if she reaches out about the baby shower again.
I’d also reconsider visiting. It may be too stressful especially while pregnant.
I had baby shower issues with my MIL (you can read my post history). In my experience MIL pushed to get her way and would not stop. Once we just let her and stepped aside, it was more peaceful. Yes it hurt. But all we could decide is what to do with ourselves and just tell her what we were doing, which was not attending.
I’d have a conversation with your husband about what if scenarios so y’all are on the same page. Ie, what if she continues to push this? What if she doesn’t reach out at all, are we okay with not responding too or try once more to reach out? Etc. come up with your boundaries so when/if something comes up you have them ready.
Sounds like she wants her grandma shower to show off and wants you to chase her.
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u/Lugbor Jan 26 '26
Translation: "Since you don't like my awesome ideas, I'm done. Figure it out yourself, and come begging me for help when you can't find anything as great as my plan."
Let her go. Make her come crawling back to you instead of chasing her. If she misses events, she's the only one really suffering.
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u/thethingis82 Jan 26 '26
Don’t send her any message. This is what they do when they don’t get their way. Have a tantrum, leave the group chat, goes silent so you guys will chase her, making her the victim and give in to what she wants to do.
If you or DH texts her, it should be a simple “thanks for respecting our wishes.”
You don’t need to explain why you want to do things the way you do. You don’t have to justify what you want to her.
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u/90sBuffetSoftServe Jan 26 '26
This is 100% about HER wanting the attention from co-workers and others, not what is best for you two and baby.
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u/Connect-Floor-4235 Jan 26 '26
This!! Definitely "Grandma Shower" vibes! I agree, do not chase her, or coddle her feelings. She's a grown adult (supposedly), and you have way more important things to do and prepare other than managing her emotions!
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u/Ok-Cloud-1219 Jan 26 '26
Yep! And now being embarrassed because she got her coworkers all hyped up about it and she has to tell them her son and DIL didn’t like the idea. THE HORROR.
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u/Mermaidtoo Jan 26 '26
Your MIL only wants to plan a specific type of party. She isn’t interested in your input. Since you’ve clarified what you actually want & don’t want, she’s refusing to be involved.
She’s behaving like a kid leaving with their toys because they cannot dictate how everyone else plays.
I’d recommend not justifying what you want to her. Instead, you might try something like this:
We understand that you don’t want to be involved because our planned celebration differs from what you want. If you change your mind or want to better understand our reasoning, let us know.
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u/cbm984 Jan 26 '26
Honestly, sometimes the trash takes itself out. Don't respond to her little tantrum. Act like her response was an adult response, perfectly reasonable, and leave it be.
Great! Plan the get-together you want with the people you want and the rules you want! If MIL acts pissy about it, point out that she told you to plan how you wanted and admitted she wasn't needed. So why is she upset? That will either shut her up or force her to confess that the party was really supposed to be about her, not you.
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u/Ok-Competition-1606 Jan 26 '26
Honestly? I would ignore it and go ahead and plan the shower you want. (If you want one). She will probably add herself back. She wants attention and the reality is it’s your future child and your shower. It’s not up to her, and it seems like she really does not like that.
Whatever you decide to do, you’re absolutely right to let your husband take the lead about any messages you send. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
The thing is I don’t really even care if we have a baby shower. I would just like a low key dinner with friends and family to catch up
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u/Liverne_and_Shirley Jan 26 '26
Then do that. Plan a get together or picnic with friends and family.
Don’t send her the up text you typed out. Have your husband text her: “okay, we’ll let you know if and when we plan a get together.”
If she bothers you about doing something before you’re ready, your husband can remind her you can’t decide without figuring out his vacation days.
If you do decide to go and plan something, don’t give her details until everything is said and done. Maybe even send her the invite when everyone else gets it.
Be ready for her to grill you about who is invited, decorations, food, etc. I would have your husband be prepared timo say things like: Don’t worry, we have it handled. It’s not a baby shower. No thank you, we don’t want that.
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u/jennyjenny223 Jan 26 '26
Then be direct and have your husband tell her you don’t want a shower.
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
I don’t mind if I do have a shower, I’m just not super opinionated on it. But yes if there’s going to be drama like this I 100% don’t think a baby shower is worth it
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u/miriandrae Jan 26 '26
Then do that! Don’t have the shower, just have a dinner. If you don’t bill it as a baby shower then you don’t have to worry about gifts. It’s just a visit.
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u/TattooedBagel Jan 26 '26
She wants you to chase and soothe her - drop the rope! If anything at all, “We never said you weren’t needed, but if you’re not feeling up for helping us put something together anymore, no problem.” Y’all are about to be parents, and you won’t have the time or energy to deal with her shenanigans, so start practicing now!
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u/Ok-Cloud-1219 Jan 26 '26
Hooooo boy. She’s acting like a child because you didn’t jump on board to her idea that she was excited about.
Tread carefully. She’s testing you and DH by overreacting to see how you’ll handle it. If she gets what she wants, she’ll keep doing it.
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
Ugh I’m just frustrated! I don’t want to sound rude but I feel like I’m in high school again with group chat drama
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u/Ok-Cloud-1219 Jan 26 '26
You feel that way bc she’s acting like a high schooler. I suspect she’s very emotionally immature in general.
My advice is to plan the shower you’d like, warmly include her, and move on. She’s throwing a fit for attention and reassurance and likely thinking you’ll capitulate.
And girl. You better start planning how you want her involved when the baby arrives bc she’ll be all up in your business.
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
We told them already we don’t want to host overnight guests until the baby is around 8 weeks old. That was when her behavior started getting worse 😅 Like I’m sorry but I’m disabled and pregnant I need to have a chill post partum at first if possible.
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u/BodyBy711 Jan 26 '26
If it were me... I'd just not respond to her at all. Nor make my husband. Let her stew.
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u/LissaMMDB Jan 26 '26
I understand your desire to explain, I think it's something we all have. But I suspect that that would be giving her what she wants. She wants you to chase after her. She wants you to come pat on her and tell her how amazing and wonderful and needed she is. This is really my experience with my own mother, not MIL, speaking, but she's trying to play chicken with you.
She's not going to miss your baby shower! She just wants you to feel bad for not letting her control the plans. And I think it's probably important that you and your husband start now setting the expectation that you're perfectly capable of planning things for your family on your own.
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u/Pied25 Jan 26 '26
She wants you to chase her, you know. Just let her do her thing. Maybe say that any updates will be in the group chat when she's ready to rejoin.
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u/mama2babas Jan 26 '26
Do not send the message. She is throwing a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way. She isn't interested in understanding what you need or want, she is only looking out for her own needs and wants. He isn't going to be able to smooth things over with a text. She is an adult, she would have communicated if she actually wanted to be involved. What she did was take over and try to control your life event. If she wants to be involved with her first grandchild, she can collaborate like an adult.
Don't chase her. Sending her more messages is what she wants. She's going up cry to other family for them to tell DH to reach out to her first. Don't do it. Tell them she was upset and you're respecting her space. She's giving the silent treatment so you support and comfort her when YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IS PREGNANT. She isn't being supportive and she is setting the tone of her involvement with your child.
Make plans separate from her for a party and invite her like the regular guest she is. Maybe each out to other family to help you plan if you need.
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
My husband tried to talk to his dad last night about it and his dad just said to talk to her. But we already tried that. Thank you for the advice! I always want to try to resolve things right away and I need to learn that I can’t always fix everything.
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u/HettyBates Jan 26 '26
Yep, you can't fix what you didn't break! Do NOT chase after her about this.
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u/mama2babas Jan 26 '26
She is acting like a child. What helped me a lot with these things is to think... if this wasn't my husband's mother, how would I deal with this? No more special treatment for someone who doesn't also give it out. Don't involve FIL. He can't make her be reasonable and he's smart to want to stay out of it. Remember that move of he tries to pressure you guys, though. Tell him she can reach out to DH directly.
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u/I_like_it_yo Jan 26 '26
What if you just respond?
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
I’ve taken some advice in the past where your husband should be the one who communicates with the conflict with his mom. I don’t want it to be me vs. her. I want us to be a united front if possible.
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u/I_like_it_yo Jan 26 '26
I think that's the best strategy. I would just recommend avoiding explaining yourselves. You don't really owe anyone an explanation for your preferences and desires for your baby shower.
Removing the explanation, what do you guys really want to convey to her?
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u/throwawaystingray9 Jan 26 '26
Honestly being straight up I would just say
Stop acting like this. Why are you doing this??
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u/botinlaw Jan 26 '26
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