Big edit: This post got a lot more attention than I thought it would! I shot it off last night because I saw the pizza/beans post and it really was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m going to step away from this post, but before I do, here are a few last responses to people:
You’re wasting your money buying pizza for random people! You should be donating instead.
Trust me, folks, I donate both my time and money to non-profit organizations. My job also involves helping new immigrants adjust to school in the US. There’s plenty of “official” aid happening in my house.
What actually happens:
I’m scrolling FB with an extra $20 in my pocket or whatever
I see someone asking for something I have in my house that I’m not using, or for money for a “frivolous” reason.
I figure that the item would be better used in someone else’s house and/or I’d waste the money anyway, so I offer it.
I have helped someone, and they are hopefully motivated to pay it forward.
That’s it. I’m not trawling the internet to find people to buy takeout for. I’m not sinking all my funds into this. I have two kids to take care of.
You’re saying that we should be giving to everyone who asks for something.
I am not. Nobody is doing that. What I am doing is saying that shaming people just for asking is not a helpful strategy for helping people.
In a couple of my comments, I mentioned the difference between ask culture and guess culture: https://jeanhsu.substack.com/p/ask-vs-guess-culture
I come from an ask culture. I believe that people can ask for anything. It doesn’t obligate you to give them what you ask for. Just the act of asking something doesn’t make you a choosing beggar. It just means that you’ve noticed that you want or need something that you don’t have.
In my professional life, I often wish that people would ask for what they need more. If a family doesn’t ask, I don’t know what they need. So many people would rather suffer in silence rather than ask, precisely because asking is shameful. That’s a problem.
We should be shaming people
I think that there are people whose asks should be shamed because they’re absolutely unhinged. But if someone is genuinely struggling and is asking for something that you don’t think that they deserve, I think shaming them is pretty shitty. Poor people don’t need to perform poverty to be worthy of help. Poor people are allowed to want/ask for nice things!
When considering how to help people, I think it’s important to consider solutions that maintain the dignity of the human being. Direct aid, or at least providing choices, is often more effective than traditional, paternalistic charity. Giving someone in need $20 to pick out their own groceries is more effective and efficient than giving someone $20 in canned goods from the food bank.
Here are some sources below:
https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2018/12/the-problems-with-philanthropy
https://behavioralscientist.org/paradox-helping-endorsing-others-oppose/
https://www.forbes.com/councils/forbesfinancecouncil/2020/11/03/direct-aid-a-simple-solution-for-a-complicated-time/
You should be donating to drill wells in developing countries
International aid is often inefficient, paternalistic, and is more about the egos of the donors than the needs of the communities. Please vet international aid agencies extremely carefully.
https://healingwaters.org/reasons-why-water-wells-fail-for-developing-countries/
But I prefer to donate to my local community, both through direct/mutual aid and through local agencies. Your mileage may vary.
You’re a bad/obnoxious/stupid person and you should feel bad
Okay, Reddit stranger. I’ll take that under advisement.
Anyway, I’m out. Be kind to each other.
Some of the stuff that people post here is legitimately unhinged. But lately, I've seen folks mock people for simply asking for stuff. I've also read some downright hostile stuff about parents asking for things for their kids-- a lot of "don't have kids if you can't take care of them."
Listen, at least in the US, not everyone has access to reproductive health care. Not every pregnancy is a planned one. And even for families who carefully planned their kids and limited their family size to what they can afford, it's possible to fall on hard times.
I also think that if we value community and human connections, we should be okay with folks asking each other for stuff. Mutual aid is an underrated community resource. Have some compassion and help your neighbors out.
ETA: I'm stepping away from commenting on this post because I feel like I've said all that needs to be said.