I’m 36M and over the last couple of years I’ve gradually come to the realisation that I’m the “other friend” in my friendship group.
I’m included in the group activities and nights out (as far as I know), and I’ve known most of these people for years.
I’m involved in GAA, I’m outgoing, I have a good job and generally have a lot going on in my life. From the outside, I probably look like someone with a good social life.
But I’ve realised that almost all of my friendships only exist within the group. There isn’t really anyone I see or speak to regularly one-to-one.
What has really brought this home to me recently is that I lost a family member. Most of the group came to the funeral, which I appreciated. But afterwards, there was basically nothing. No real check-ins, no phone calls, no “how are you doing?” messages.
The person I considered my closest friend didn’t actually phone me to see how I was until five months later.
In the weeks and couple of months after the funeral, I tried several times to meet the group for a drink or coffee because I was struggling and probably needed a chat and support. It never happened, I was only met with excuses.
What really hurts is that I see how much effort these same people will make for other friends. If someone else from the group is back in our hometown, they’ll bend over backwards to make plans and see them.
I don’t expect my friends to drop everything for me, and I know everyone has their own lives. But I suppose I expected a little more from people I’ve known for years, especially after losing someone in my family.
And now I’m starting to think about the bigger picture. In a few years I’ll be 40, and I genuinely don’t have a friend I feel I could properly confide in. If it wasn’t for my brilliant wife, I’d honestly have very little emotional support outside my immediate family.
I find that quite depressing to admit.
I don’t think I’m difficult to get along with. I’m outgoing, involved in sport, sociable and I make an effort with people. But somehow I’ve ended up with a social circle without having any close friend.
I’m not really sure what I’m asking.
Maybe I’m looking for advice from people who have been in a similar position. Do I just accept that these are “group friends” and stop expecting more from them? Do I try to build new friendships at 36/37? And if so, how do you actually go about turning acquaintances into genuine friends at this age?