She wants a long-term relationship but wants to keep seeing others

[u/Far_Disk_5491]

Dinner = Thai chicken, coleslaw and halloumi

My relationship ended two years ago because my ex (whom I considered the love of my life) serially cheated on and lied to me. First time I’d experienced anything like that—to say I was shook is an understatement. I’ve never fully returned to my body since.

I started trying to date again last year. I had some good dates and some bad ones, but no one really left me feeling like I wanted a relationship again. Until recently.

I had two dates with this woman and they were amazing. We joked around. We talked serious stuff. We flirted. We seemed to have so many shared experiences and perspectives. We both write and love meditation. We kissed. She was saying things and asking questions alluding to a long-term relationship. And I welcomed that.

Then we had a conversation at the end of the second date. She said she really likes me and hasn’t felt like this in a long time. But she wants to keep dating other people—just to be sure before going exclusive.

I said I’m not OK with that. I don’t want to feel like I’m in a lineup, hoping for approval. Or worse, feel like a backup choice. The moment I feel a meaningful connection is the moment I need exclusivity. She assures me I’m not in a lineup—she wants me, she just needs to be sure. Her method of gaining confidence concerns me.

I tell her we need to pause and she can go and do her thing. If, afterwards, she wants to and I want to, we can reconnect. She starts crying and says it feels like a breakup. I hold her and tell her it’s OK, I understand (and I do).

We walk a bit, then say goodbye and kiss. When I get home, I cry myself to sleep and again when I wake up. It’s only partially about her—it’s also that, for the first time since I was cheated on, I met someone I felt had potential to be a long-term partner. But they want to keep dating other people… just to be sure. Which was the behaviour that opened the first door to infidelity in my last relationship. These things “work” in theory but most people are nowhere near as good as they’d like to think at tying up messy, complicated, emotional loose ends.

It hurts to have that hope for a new long-term connection die (at least in this instance and in the way it did). And it hurts to reconnect with the part of me that craves long-term companionship, without being able to meet his need.

At least I chose myself, my values and my standards. I feel proud of that. And I’m so grateful to learn I’m ready to open up my heart again (or even capable of it).

She texted me the next day to see I was doing OK. It was kind of canned. No real curiosity. I told her I was sad but taking care of myself. She said she was taking care of herself too. We wished each other all the best.

The end.

EDIT: Loving all the people getting triggered that I DON’T want to date several people at once, and don’t want to date people who do. I’m happy with the tradeoffs. I’m happy to have fewer but more aligned dates. I’m not forcing my preference on anyone. If you want to do the opposite, go ahead! Nowhere in my post does it say I asked her to go exclusive—she actually brought it up. And I said I’m out.

If you’re so stressed out that someone doesn’t share your dating preferences that you want to insult them, maybe you’re more ashamed of your choices than you realise—hence the reactive need to defend them.

EDIT 2: It’s truly fascinating to see how angry people are getting because I simply want to date exclusively. “It’s too early! You should wait at least 5-6 dates.”

Who decides what’s “too early”? I find it mind-blowing how readily and aggressively people will hold on to values that aren’t even theirs. Values they don’t even understand. Just doing things because everybody else is doing them. No awareness of second or higher order effects.

It’s used to be normal to hate gay people. It used to be normal for men to have mistresses. It used to be normal to denigrate interracial relationships.

Just because “everyone’s” dating multiple people at once doesn’t mean it’s constructive. By all metrics, romantic relationships and dating are in a crisis—yet people are fighting tooth and nail to protect the behaviours that created this status quo.

Maybe I’m wrong and I won’t pressure anyone to share my views. But I’m VERY HAPPY to choose an alternative, even if I’m in a pronounced minority. Please stop trying to convince me I’m missing out—I’m not. The things I’m not getting are things I don’t want.

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[u/DicentraDale]

I'm sorry that happened to you, brother. I think you made the right call.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/DicentraDale]

Thank you, brother.

[u/AtreyuTrinity → u/Far_Disk_5491]

Me and my wife were poly when we met and I really fell for her and her me and I asked for exclusivity. It is amazing. I think you made the right call. That is a reasonable and healthy boundary. It sounded a bit rushed but that is ok. You are allowed to have that preference.

[u/911EMT]

This is the kind of strength I am hoping to have. Thank you for showing us that it's possible

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/911EMT]

Thank you, bro, glad it helped.

[u/Valuable_K]

"I think you're probably the best I can do, but I want to make sure I can't get anyone better before I settle for you"

[u/Even-Job-323 → u/Valuable_K]

This is peak hypergamy. Needing to come to terms with the idea that the people who will fuck you from apps are not the same as the people who will be in a committed relationship with you.

[u/SoPolitico → u/Even-Job-323]

Yeah she had a good thing right in front of her asking her to be exclusive….but she just “had to be sure” LOL

This is how dating apps have ruined it for everyone. This attitude didn’t exist before dating apps.

[u/Flimsy_Fee8449 → u/SoPolitico]

Oh, yes it did.

Source: GenX. It absolutely not only existed in our generation, but our parents' generation, too.

[u/SoPolitico → u/Flimsy_Fee8449]

I should have chosen my words better. It existed but it was seen in a negative light and you would’ve been shamed for it had people known. We even use to have a term for it…”players”

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Valuable_K]

I mean, I explained why I cried but feel free to mock me based on your speculative theories and the personality disorder diagnoses.

This thread is really showing me why so many people struggle with dating. So incredibly judgmental.

[u/Satori2155 → u/Far_Disk_5491]

I dont think hes mocking you dude just explaining what her mindset is

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Satori2155]

Sorry, I replied to the wrong person. Someone else was being condescending.

[u/Remarkable_End_6476 → u/Far_Disk_5491]

So, I’ll give my opinion based on being in a happy long term marriage of 34 years and counting.

I wouldn’t change anything about your decision.

If anything you showed you’re serious enough and willing to take the time and effort to see if the connection is real without outside distractions.

After all the goal is just for the rest of your life.

Best of luck to you.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Remarkable_End_6476]

Thank you for the encouraging words and I’m happy for you!

[u/Flimsy_Fee8449 → u/Far_Disk_5491]

You did the right thing, darling. ❤️

Have some sushi and bonbons, take your time to mourn what could have been if she were a different person,

The go do things you enjoy doing and meet that different person. ❤️

Sending love

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Flimsy_Fee8449]

Thank you for being so kind.

[u/Sweet_Dragonfly_959 → u/Valuable_K]

Also, all this emotional BS from both of them on the 2nd date without fucking, mind you.

I feel for OP, but how could either of them be even at the stage where they could talk about this without having sex or sleeping over or even just knowing each other for long enough?

[u/Dankmeme1345 → u/Sweet_Dragonfly_959]

That’s what I’m saying. Like you went on two dates with this girl bro just move on

[u/uiucthrowaway420 → u/Sweet_Dragonfly_959]

Yeah I was thinking they dated for maybe 4-6 dates at least a month and were discussing exclusivity. But two??? And they're crying? How did the topic of exclusivity even come up?

[u/Natural-Pattern-5240 → u/uiucthrowaway420]

I was confused how it felt like a break up for the girl when they had only went on two dates

[u/Apathetic_Zealot]

Man this dating scene is crazy. They will straight up tell you they want to back bench you and they're surprised that it doesn't work? They cry over the fact they can't have their cake and eat it too?

[u/LemurLord → u/Apathetic_Zealot]

"It's so hard to find a good partner these days!"

[u/Financial_Nebula → u/Apathetic_Zealot]

It’s fucking hell. And everyone knows it’s hell. And yet the majority of people are making it this way anyways and don’t know what they’re doing wrong. It doesn’t ever feel like anyone is genuinely trying to get to know someone and fall in love with them and instead are going through their society prescribed checklist and happily bouncing from person to person looking for all the checkmarks. The same people will get triggered by my critique and insist there’s nothing wrong with exploring their options. It’s this stupid fucking capitalistic desire to always upgrade to the next best thing

People think it’s totally normal, and even acceptable to hurt someone in the dating process by seeing multiple partners because no one owes anyone anything. Your individual connection doesn’t matter and doesn’t mean shit, you have to prove yourself within a pool of others to show why you’re more compatible. Terms like “roster” are sick.

[u/_daysofcandy_]

Honestly, as a woman, I'd do the same. You want to keep your options open?? Great, I totally respect that. I just won't be one of them. If you think that it's limiting or too puritanical, I'd think it's telling me more about you than it would about me. Idk call me old fashioned or whatever but I really hate these games in modern dating

[u/tonware → u/_daysofcandy_]

I don’t understand the idea of having options or a roster. Whenever I hear that someone has “options”, all I hear is “the person I want doesn’t want me and the person that wants me, I don’t want”. Like, if you’re (not saying YOU specifically) so attractive and is such a catch, what do you need options for?

[u/Mr_Wobble_PNW]

Yeah that would be a no from me too. There's a huge difference between an open relationship and having your partner tell you they're settling with you, and they want the option to trade you in for an upgrade whenever they want. Fuck that.

[u/Milianviolet → u/Mr_Wobble_PNW]

I think it's a little unhinged to expect someone to consider themselves your partner after only two dates.

[u/rucksolo → u/Milianviolet]

You also can keep it in your pants for a couple weeks while trying to date someone and actively work towards a potential relationship.

[u/dizastermaster7 → u/Milianviolet]

If someone says "it feels like we're breaking up" to you, I think they kinda set that expectation but oh well

[u/Ourtimehascome2485 → u/Milianviolet]

Woman moment right here.

No sane person man or woman would like to be told "you are ok but I want to make sure I can't find someone better".

[u/Technical-Nose-1518 → u/Milianviolet]

Op cries himself to sleep after a 2nd date isn’t as good of a title

[u/Lustfuldelights]

I get where you are coming from, mate! I think wanting to not be with a multi-plate spinner is fine, and kudos to her for telling you that she was wanting to see other people. I wish you the best, but I don't think you "forced" anything, and are putting yourself first.

Some people are multi daters, other are not - you both were physical in your goodbye and I wouldn't want that in my dating dynamic either.

The funniest thing about some of these comments being people are not factoring in time, and resources. Sweet deal for her, being pursued on multiple fronts, but I wouldn't want to "invest" in multiple women as there really isn't much of a reward out side of sex.

https://giphy.com/gifs/TNIumWDqFnJpUp2Ixt

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Lustfuldelights]

Exactly. As a guy, I have to pay for all the dates. And plan them. And be funny. And be ambitious. And so on…

I’m sorry, I’m not sinking my resources into that. I have a great career (with fantastic earnings) and a great life. I’ll invest all where they’re valued, not to earn the privilege of being a dancing monkey.

[u/Informal-Comb1989 → u/Far_Disk_5491]

Get you someone who’s sure about you. I think it makes sense.

[u/ChalupaBatman307]

Idk back when I was dating, seeing 1 person was just how things were done. What the girl was attempting in your case would’ve been the anomaly. You date one person until you or the other party get disqualified. It was how I personally chose to show I was serious. I did do hangouts as a before stage to dating, in order to vibe check the person.

That all being said I can recognize times have changed, differing dating strategies have evolved and people are not necessarily beholden to your codes. You can’t control others but you can manage how you’ll react. You’ve done the hard part already, you communicated your expectations and amicably parted ways.

[u/GemIsOutrageous → u/ChalupaBatman307]

Yeah, you dated someone because you liked them and hoped to develop a relationship.

[u/Jaybrosia]

You did good not to play this game of hers. Because you were always going to lose no matter the outcome.

[u/yellow-rain-coat]

You can never go wrong with enforcing boundaries and sticking to your morals. Even better that you didn’t give her any grief for her own personal wishes. Good on you! The right one will appreciate you, my man.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/yellow-rain-coat]

Thank you, bro!

[u/Swimming-Message-796]

Yeah that's a tough one. On one hand, two dates seems a bit quick to expect exclusivity but on the other hand, her explanation made it a bit strange although I get her point. 

At the end of the day, everyone has different values, expectations and boundaries and unfortunately it didn't align at this moment. At the very least, I think you've gained a bit of respect from her and I'm sure she'll have you at the back of her mind also wondering, what if. Overall, I think you handled it pretty well.

[u/bush-leaguer]

So yes, in a sense this is a request for exclusivity (or maybe a request for non-exclusivity), but OP and his date are coming from different perspectives. He is saying "I only explore dating one person at a time", so for him all dating is exclusive. And she's saying "I may explore dates with multiple people until seeking exclusivity." These are just fundamentally different baseline perspectives about dating and both feel their approach is what's best for them.

I don't see any issue with this, OP. You have to be true to yourself, and you were honest with this person. Sorry that this didn't work out but at least you know you can find a connection with another person again, which is something positive to take away from this.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/bush-leaguer]

Thank you for your mature take.

I want to clarify though, I didn’t ask her for exclusivity. She brought it up.

I told her long before we went on our first date that I date only exclusively. My theory is that she hoped I would change my mind and as she started to fall for me (her words), she felt guilty carrying that expectation. So she brought it up to bargain with me about what level of “seeing other people” I’d be comfortable with. My answer remained “none”—especially when emotions have gotten involved.

[u/bush-leaguer → u/Far_Disk_5491]

Right, sorry. Didn't mean to imply you asked. Rather, there were different expectations regarding exclusivity from the outset, and she asked you to relax yours. But fundamentally your approach to dating is different and neither of you are willing to compromise on that, which is fine.

So it goes.

[u/C_Deez_DDz]

You made the right choice for you. I was in a similar position and made the same choice.

Met the love of my life awhile later, we have the same style. We’re very happy.

It’s the right choice in this situation.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/C_Deez_DDz]

Thank you, that’s reassuring.

[u/ByronsLastStand]

If it doesn't sit well with you, it's not meant to be. Sorry you had that experience, OP, that sucks

[u/Sweet_Pie1768]

I find that there's a common sentiment of "I want a long-term relationship, but also want to see a few people in parallel just to see which one I should be exclusive with". I've seen a lot of people (on both ends of the argument) talk about this. However, i tend to wonder what people's definition of "dating" is. If there's a deep sense of emotional and/or physical intimacy, then I see there's a messaging problem. However, I also wonder if people are trying to simply first focus on getting more friends before selecting someone for a deeper relationship.

[u/rollem78 → u/Sweet_Pie1768]

This is the measured take I was looking for. From what he's saying, she was lovey dovey "falling for him". What does that mean? Is that something someone says who wants to keep dating other people? Or is it something someone says to keep stringing them along?

[u/QuickBrownFox6996]

Nah she's taking a piss

[u/multin00bdown]

Holy shit wtf are these people telling OP that two dates are not enough for exclusivity? There are even people (men and women) advocating OP should sleep/kiss/etc. with her before even getting exclusive. You guys are the prime example why long term relationships fail before they even start. If someone wants to date with actual intention instead of playing musical chairs and casually hooking up with multiple people, let them. Demanding physical intimacy before even agreeing to focus on one person is backwards.
By the way ask your parents how long they dated before looking for others. I can already tell the answer to that.

OP you did everything right brother. You held your own boundaries and principles. Nothing more and nothing less. I wish you the best of luck 👊🏻

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/multin00bdown]

Thank you!

[u/ChannelAccording3410]

Good on you for having self respect 👏👏

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/ChannelAccording3410]

Thank you.

[u/Ha-gaaayyy]

Hey good for you for making the right call. Someone like her who says that, will never actually be sure and it could be a disaster. But you also shouldn't have to wait for her to "be sure" in the first place. You made the right call. Just keep searching.

[u/classless_classic]

Good for you.

I will add, if you’re still upset over your ex, 2 years on, you should seek counseling. Let someone put it in perspective for you so you can heal/move on.

[u/OGVictoriaSponge]

I just want to offer an alternative point of view and before I do, I’m like you, I prefer exclusively pretty immediately and everyone tells me “it’s too soon” but if you like me why wouldn’t you give me 100%??

I just want to say that almost all advice to women tells them to date multiple people before making you decision. And this is what “keeps guys interested” because you automatically become more aloof and in demand… and makes you not so invested if things go wrong. (Books are the rules and why men love bitches or something like that but I feel like there are loads and plenty of podcasts too).

I feel like she was probably doing this, which could be why she reacted so badly when you said it doesn’t work for you.

I was so happy when I met a guy who wasn’t in this dating game and hooking up with multiple women at the same time and who focused on me from day one and just assumed exclusivity and just assumed I was his girlfriend (although would’ve liked a cute ask). And you deserve that too and I think you’ll find it.

The dating game works for some folks but for some of us it doesn’t.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/OGVictoriaSponge]

Thank you for your perspective and I’m happy for you!

[u/chromaticgliss → u/OGVictoriaSponge]

I just want to say that almost all advice to women tells them to date multiple people before making you decision. And this is what “keeps guys interested” because you automatically become more aloof and in demand… and makes you not so invested if things go wrong. (Books are the rules and why men love bitches or something like that but I feel like there are loads and plenty of podcasts too).

Well this is going to give me nightmares. I don't think I'm ever going to try dating earnestly ever again at this point if this is what I'm going to be wading through...

[u/Reasonable-Mischief → u/OGVictoriaSponge]

I just want to say that almost all advice to women tells them to date multiple people before making you decision. And this is what “keeps guys interested” because you automatically become more aloof and in demand… and makes you not so invested if things go wrong. (Books are the rules and why men love bitches or something like that but I feel like there are loads and plenty of podcasts too).

I fucking knew it lmao

This is like the worst thing a woman could do when dating a guy. Sure you'll be able to try out a lot of guys and you soften the blow of rejection to yourself, but guys don't react to social proof and unavailability the same way women seem to do. We mostly just get turned off by it

[u/law883]

a pause is a reasonable compromise. good on you mate. the path providesz

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/law883]

Thank you. Sounds like you actually read the post, unlike so many who saw the word “exclusivity”, stopped reading and had a rabid meltdown.

[u/gamma__r]

You put yourself and your well-being first in a situation where you'd eventually draw the shorter stick.

You should be proud of yourself, you did the right thing for yourself.

[u/ExitInternational647]

You made the right call. You wanted exclusivity, she wasn’t ready yet, so it needed to end.

No matter what she said, you were on a roster. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, it’s fine to keep your options open.

But if you wanted to move forward and she didn’t, it’s just an incompatibility.

[u/AdunfromAD]

You did the right thing the right way, OP. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/AdunfromAD]

Thank you. This thread is giving me a real masterclass in why so many people create such awful experiences for the people they date.

[u/Dadopithicus]

Two dates is pretty early to go into a long term exclusive relationship if I’m being honest.

That said, you don’t have to be a backup plan.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Dadopithicus]

Didn’t ask for a relationship. It’s possible to focus on dating on person, even if you’re not in a relationship. Some people like that and I’m one of them.

[u/AngryAngryHarpo → u/Far_Disk_5491]

I mean, it’s still an exclusive relationship. 

Like, no shade for walking away but don’t try and kid yourself about what you want. Say it with your whole chest and stick to it. The right person will want the same thing you do. 

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/AngryAngryHarpo]

OK. If you’re determined to project your assumptions, I won’t argue with you.

It’s not that wild—some people date exclusively without being in a relationship. “You’re not my girlfriend but I think you could be and I want to give that the best chance possible.”

People have done it in the past. And some people do it today (even if they’re in a minority). I don’t know why you’re so determined to invalidate this preference that many people have.

Actually I do know why, but there’s no point in having that conversation.

[u/Dungeon_Pastor → u/Far_Disk_5491]

Didn’t ask for a relationship. It’s possible to focus on dating on person

That's pretty much it though

It's fine if that's what you want, but don't try to obfuscate it. You're not wrong for not crossing lines you don't want to, but be honest with yourself on what those are

[u/FoxerHR → u/Dadopithicus]

Not really; that's just the natural progression of dating. If you're dating to date you're wasting everyone's time. You can't go into a long term relationship either, it can just happen by dating a person for a long time.

[u/Coach_Seven]

The women who talk about how men suck, are dogs, etc. are the same people who do shit like this.

She’s meant for the streets, OP. It’s best to leave her out there. I think you did the right thing by cutting off romance with her while she sleeps around. You’re better than a backup plan.

[u/bobopbopbeep]

Been there and made the same decision. Hurts in the moment but when you know you want exclusivity and it isn't returned, there's not much you can do. Chin up buddy you'll find the right one where this is never even a question.

[u/Warm-Business-2335]

The way you handled this situation showed how much your emotional maturity has grown. Good job! Walking away from a person who isn’t willing to commit to you is exactly the play. You are no one’s backup plan. Keep working on you because when you get there you will ultimately attract what you are. Emotionally mature, together people attract people just like themselves.

[u/goongoblin113xc]

F the people getting mad at you for wanting to be exclusive dating multiple people will always be the weird choice that’s why they get so mad

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/goongoblin113xc]

Yeah, it’s really something to behold.

[u/Rich_Smell_1937]

Believe it or not, you dodged a bullet. Good on you for valuing yourself!

[u/puppycat_partyhat]

You made it clear that you're sure. The ball is in her court. But don't wait for it.

[u/Glittering_Suspect65]

Knowing who you are and what works best for you is 2/3 of success in relationships. Good for you!

Source: poly, kinky, older woman 🫡

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Glittering_Suspect65]

Thank you!

[u/fortuneandfameinc]

Thats a fair take and I think you are correct and should feel validated. You are right that she is basically keeping you as a maybe in the wings depending on what else comes by.

[u/RingingInTheRain]

You both communicated and discovered an incompatibility. From my point of view she made her choice; it's weird when people want to kiss and smash multiple people at the same time without ensuring ALL parties are okay with it. I'm quite sure some of the other people she wanted to see would've been flabbergasted, then again who knows if every person she was seeing was in the same dating stage or further than you.

So yeah, if she really wanted to be with you, she would've. Otherwise, you'd be even more hurt if she decided the other guy was better while you both were wining and dining her at the same exact time.

[u/Coyote-king8647]

She is going to look back on this and cringe. Keep doing you, you will find connection like this again. 

[u/SoPolitico]

Good on you dude. You made the right choice.

[u/Wild-District-3995]

Bro there was a movie like this and after the girl's done sleeping ariund she comes back to the guy saying "she's sure" now but he's moved on and married, be that guy, this isn't worth your time. If she can't commit now, why would anything change? What if you two fight later on down the line and then suddenly she needs to "explore her options" to make sure staying with you is the right thing. Protect yourself sir.

[u/Highlander0001]

You made the right choice..

[u/Flimsy_Position_4576]

You set your boundary clearly and honestly, and she set hers. Sounds like it was painful for both of you, but it was well done.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Flimsy_Position_4576]

Great summary, thank you.

[u/Smooth_Pepper_3967]

You sound principled and like a good guy.

This is the absolute correct view to have on dating too. If you have your shit together, there’s no reason to feel like you’re in competition with anyone. There’s plenty of women that won’t act like that. Stay strong and don’t get too down over this

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Smooth_Pepper_3967]

Thank you. I was sad but far from devastated. This is no big deal to me, just part of the process.

[u/WoodSciGuy1]

Power to you brother, this is exactly the right call. Hurts now, but by doing this you are making room for the women who will say I WANT YOU. And that feeling? Of wanting someone who wants you back just as much? Of being loved and loving them? That is what makes it all worth it.

Keep being your awesome self, you will find her.

Anyone telling you what to do can just apply their advice to their own lives.

[u/Sure_Growth_8883]

Nigga you are the back up plan.

The way a homeboy explained it to me once is “You really gon kiss the same mouth that just sucked some other niggas dick yesterday?”

Avoid people like that

[u/Know_1_7777777]

Good on you for not letting yourself be manipulated into being OK with that bullshit. You did right by yourself and that's all that matters. Hopefully you'll find someone that sees the value in a committed relationship and doesn't need to do what so many people nowadays do which is look for something better when something good is already right in front of them. Good luck.

[u/tonware]

If SHE was the one who started talk of being in a relationship, then that’s messed up. You don’t get to have one foot in and one foot out.

If you were the one who started the talk of a relationship, then she could’ve easily said “let’s take things slow” or “I’d like to keep it casual for now” if she wasn’t ready to settle down with you. Sounds like you dodged a bullet because if you were to have made it official with her, she would’ve left you when something better came along.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/tonware]

She started the relationship talk.

[u/Top-Possibility9480]

The original story is simple: she likes you but isn’t ready for exclusivity after two dates. You need exclusivity to continue. Incompatible dating styles, polite goodbye, everybody goes home. Case closed.

But no, then we get two edits, a cultural indictment, relationship statistics, mistresses, homophobia… are we dating or addressing the United Nations? You’re allowed your standard. She’s allowed hers. Stop turning a two-date incompatibility into the collapse of Western romance.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Top-Possibility9480]

If you can be bothered, you can read some of the adversarial comments I’m getting. And my responses were specifically directed at those people.

You’re right, the original story is simple. But then a bunch of people started attacking me for having a preference—rightly or wrongly, I decided to address that.

If the edits aren’t relevant to your perspective, you can ignore them. Maybe I am addressing the UN 😆

[u/Top-Possibility9480 → u/Far_Disk_5491]

Well I’m sorry if I offended you. I usually don’t read the comments just the OP as they are the one asking and I want to understand them without any other noise.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Top-Possibility9480]

Fair enough, no worries.

[u/dizastermaster7]

Dating multiple people at the same time seems so time consuming. When do you do anything else? Or are you just getting the most shallow experiences with people?

[u/Even-Job-323]

You did the right thing. 💪

[u/DragonScrivner]

You did the right thing for you. She wants to keep dating other people and you don’t, it’s as simple as that. There are no villains here.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I’m honestly fine. I have a therapist and have been in therapy for years. It’s a general part of my emotional development, nothing to do with crisis management.

I think some people are assuming that “crying = fragility”, which says a lot more about them than it does about me. I cry and I’m happy I can.

I have a life, a career and qualities that most people would kill for. Internet strangers assuming things about me because I cried is inconsequential.

Also, I do have empathy for her. I’m not confused about why she chose what she did. And I think she does for me too. Which is why we were both so kind to each other.

[u/seedoilgoyim]

This so what having morals and self respect looks like, take notes ppl. 👑

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/seedoilgoyim]

Thank you for the kind words!

[u/Hot_Bee_6194]

I feel seen. Went through a similar experience a few months ago

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Hot_Bee_6194]

I’m sorry to hear that, hope it didn’t feel too rough at the time.

[u/Sweet-Cat-7667]

I’m really glad you chose yourself and what you actually believe in. I’ve seen way too many people agree to something they’re not comfortable with just so they can keep someone around, and it usually ends with a lot of wasted time and hurt feelings. You listened to your gut instead of trying to force yourself to be okay with something you’re not. Good for you. I hope you find your HEA.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Sweet-Cat-7667]

Thank you, this is very kind.

[u/Happy-Quail-3081]

I think it takes guts to communicate how you were feeling. Dating is rough man. So both of you communicated honestly to each other and that’s what important. This space might give her some time to think and close off other avenues and want to focus on you more. As a woman, I don’t blame her wanting to see how other guys are (not necessarily being invested in financially or sleeping around) especially since it takes time to know people and the build the emotional security. From my own personal experience- I get scared and shy. It’s hard for me to believe that the individual is actually showing me their true self. Meal looks great tho! Comfort food needed

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Happy-Quail-3081]

Thank you, and I think you make a good point. I interpreted her decision similarly, which is why I could empathise (even if I have a different approach to managing the same anxiety).

We left things on great terms.

[u/NoodlesNomm]

Dont really wanna type out a whole thing cause I think people have said most of the things I would want to say. Just know that you are valid op.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/NoodlesNomm]

Thank you, hungry man!

[u/AssignmentInitial596]

Hey OP I just wanted to say I respect you for sticking to your principles. In my eyes there is nothing wrong with how you handled the situation, if I was in your shoes I would do the same. I don’t want to be a “reserve” as the other person tries to connect with others.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/AssignmentInitial596]

Thank you!

[u/Far-Independent4740]

Saying she wants to keep her options open because there might be better to your face is so disrespectful, I would have literally turned around and left the moment she said that. I'd honestly block her. What an asshole.

[u/vecerkar]

I swear to god some people in these comments are unhinged, in my eyes you did the right thing, i aswell wouldn't want to be the back up choice if her other dates dont work out. I aspire to have a strenght like you.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/vecerkar]

Unhinged is too kind 😆

[u/nametabekul]

I’m sorry to hear about the first relationship that left you heartbroken friend but admire your courage this time around. I wish I had had the same for the last person I felt was the love of my life.

I can’t say they serially cheated on me in all honesty but it was my naive desire that they’d choose me in the end while staying in a relationship where they were keeping their options open that ultimately disemboweled my emotional center.

I truly believe it left us both heartbroken (not saying the same for your first relationship or trying to diminish what I can imagine was extremely hard for you).

I think, in reality, so many of the people advocating for this kind of dating environment are living in a fantasy land of emotional disillusionment — repeatedly harming their hearts and becoming cold inside to the kind of actual connection and love one can feel in a relationship. At the same time, they perform this kind of new age niceness and hold a pseudo-enlightened mentality about connection that more or less equates to just an excuse to fuck around and not get emotionally attached — evidenced, in part, by the fact that anyone who approaches relationships the other way is aggressively shamed or mocked for it.

Wishing you well on the journey and sending encouragement. Thanks for sharing.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/nametabekul]

Thank you for your kind comment and I’m sorry for your pain.

[u/I_am_doing_my_Hw]

Her: “I like you and enjoy your company, but I feel like I could do better. That doesn’t make you feel bad does it?”

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/I_am_doing_my_Hw]

😆

[u/eating_almonds]

I understand people not wanting to commit too soon but telling someone to their face "I like you, but let me make sure I can't find someone better than you first" is actually sociopathic behaviour, wtf

[u/Normal_Trust3562]

Why can’t women like these PASS THE DAMN CONTROLLER. There’s loads of women out there that lock in on one guy lol

[u/Curlyjankens]

If you don’t want that, clearly com that, and lick your wounds, cut losses .

[u/lowkeydumass]

I'm truly sorry for you, homie. She for the street.

[u/Used_Maximum_2291]

Drop that ho3

[u/No-Moment4142]

I would of been like 😐 yeah fuck no lmao

[u/Own_Zucchini_3151]

I get it if that's how you want to date as in one person at a time for them and for you. But I don't get why you would end things and say it's cool if she comes back later. Do you really want to get back with someone who you already feel is treating you like a backup? If you're sticking to your standard, then stick to it.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Own_Zucchini_3151]

I didn’t say it was cool. I said if she wants to AND I want to, we can reconnect. It’s highly unlikely that I’ll want to.

But it was an emotionally charged moment and I didn’t lay out a clearcut position because I didn’t feel as clear in the moment.

[u/OneRub3234]

https://giphy.com/gifs/xiMUwBRn5RDLhzwO80

[u/Jbrista]

She wants to put you on reserve while she weighs other options. Cut your losses because she’ll do that the entire relationship.

[u/Oinkvote]

Trying to be exclusive or nothing after 2 dates is pretty wacky my man. If it's real give it time to grow.

[u/sibre2001 → u/Oinkvote]

Idk man. I dated a lot before I was married, but it wasn't that difficult to only date one woman at a time.

Are you really giving a relationship a fair shake if you're playing the field like that? Seems like a small ask to figure out one relationship before you move on to the next one.

[u/ia332 → u/Oinkvote]

Nope, 100% disagree. If that’s how they want to date, that’s fine and just means I cut it off. But there’s nothing wrong with being upfront and saying you want to be exclusive when dating. 

That doesn’t mean it’s long term or that it’ll end with getting married. But I’m not going to focus on someone who’s seeking out others while we’re trying to get to know each other. To me, one person should be in focus. Again, if that’s not how they do it, that’s fine, but good to seek that clarity upfront. 

But I’ll be damned if I’ll be someone’s second, third, or whatever pick because the others didn’t work out for them. 

[u/GreenvsBlue → u/Oinkvote]

This philosophy is fine for people who are seeing multiple women too on dating apps, but there are plenty of people, women included, who only prefer to see one person at a time.

OP needs to find someone he likes that has similar dating standards.

[u/kanekischewtoy → u/Oinkvote]

i disagree. i don't understand the concept of going on multiple dates with multiple people, especially after feeling a connection and spark with someone that sounds mutual based off of OP's post.

when i met my now fiance almost 9 years ago, i only entertained them before we were even officially dating, because i could tell there was potential there and didn't want to entertain the prospect of dating someone else. that's a normal thing, i feel like.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Oinkvote]

I disagree. Everyone decides what’s right for them.

I didn’t force her and she didn’t force me. Personally, I have no interest in spending time and money planning dates, increasing emotional investment and pouring into someone while they pour into other people.

I believe it leads to a lousy dating experience. I’m not asking her to marry me or make me her boyfriend. You’re free to do the opposite if you think that’s “wacky”.

[u/femboyhunter42 → u/Far_Disk_5491]

Don’t listen to them. You have every right to ask this of someone you’re seeing. If they don’t like it then they aren’t a fit, that simple

[u/Actual-Jelly-309]

Move on, cut all communication.

[u/vinnyk92]

For what it’s worth, this is modern dating. And it depends on what age / setting you’re in (big city etc). Where I am, discussing exclusivity is more around 6-8 dates.

In any case, it’s not something you’re comfortable with now and that’s totally your prerogative. I’m sorry it didn’t work out! Might be worth exploring if you want to get a bit more comfortable with dating a couple people early on.

At very least, I’m glad you met someone you liked. Important reminder that there are many amazing folks out there.

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[u/Few_Box_1341]

You didn’t mention an age but this sounds pretty young. It sucks but if you like her that much just go on about your day. Don’t be a back up or feel bad but she had a past to and brings things to the table. I’m definitely no expert, but I would keep in contact with her. Go on the occasional date if she wants to, but not put a time a lot of the time and effort in until she wants to be exclusive..

[u/Vivid_Piccolo_2225]

Ultimately, only you can decide what feels right for you. Since you're looking for advice, I'd suggest taking the next few months to just enjoy some fun dates and get to know each other better. It sounds like she's interested, but there might be some insecurities to work through. Showing her what a great partner you can be over time will likely help. If things don't work out, you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot and had a good time.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Vivid_Piccolo_2225]

We’re not aligned. I’m not trying to “win her over”. I don’t have regret about that.

I’m sad but my choice was right for me. And hers was right for her.

[u/Vivid_Piccolo_2225 → u/Far_Disk_5491]

That's all that matters. Good on ya!

[u/International_Dog897]

Pass

[u/Available_Actuary977]

This is a perpetual problem in the world of dating and not easily solved. The questions are always the same.

Are you allowed to see multiple people at the same time if it is just "the beginning"? Do you have to inform the other person that you are dating others if you are NOT also sleeping with these dates? After how long is it appropriate to consider being exclusive, and drop the other dates?

The answers are never the same for everyone. You are well within your right to have your own answers. This woman apparently has soo many options and it feels crappy to just be another ball she is juggling. Given your history, you may wonder that, even if she chooses you, what stops her from finding a new and shiny plaything?

You hit "the feels" early and I think that's amazing. No shame in crying about "what might have been" here. However, do this enough times and I think you'll be missing out. I do think you need to swallow your pride just a little bit longer. Realize that you are being very emotional right now and swallow that for another 2 dates. If she can't decide to be exclusive in the span of 4-6 weeks total, it's not going to happen.

[u/phtevenbagbifico]

https://giphy.com/gifs/NpJbpFf1iSZrwJTn9A

[u/Icy_Two_364]

This is modern dating. I usually just let them wh*re around and see if they chose me. They usually do because most guys don’t like that they’re seeing other men

But also I’m single at 31 so those women weren’t exactly relationship material

[u/iH8thots]

I’m going to tell you something this is TRUE and you don’t want to hear… I understand it will be difficult for you… but it’s the only way..

You have to move. The U.S. is NOT a place to date or find a significant other. If you haven’t found a wife at 19-20 in the U.S. it WILL get harder as you keep aging … why ???

You’re in the U.S bro. Women gain more “experience” over time. They’ll have 10+ partners by the time you’re 30. You don’t like that ?? Move. Anywhere but the U.S.

[u/menntsuyudoria]

I’m actually quite confused. You said you brought up at the beginning that you only date exclusively, and then on the second date, you clarified that she was the one that brought up exclusivity, not you. So I don’t understand what the agreement was to begin with. When you told her you date exclusively in the beginning, what happened after that? Did she say she doesn’t? Were you expecting her to also date you exclusively from the get go? Either you were both already exclusive by the second date and she was asking to change that, or you guys weren’t exclusive yet, and when she said she wasn’t ready to be exclusive yet, you decided it couldn’t go any further? That second scenario seems equivalent to you requiring exclusivity by the second date, even if you weren’t the one to bring it up, it seems like a condition you newly introduced at that time?(assuming you two weren’t already exclusive before then). Am I missing something?

[u/joesaysso]

Wait, so you guys are talking exclusivity and she's saying that she's falling for you on the second date? Was there months of talking between the first and the second date?

How do you get to a point where you're crying yourself to sleep over someone after one date?

[u/Ok_Machine_724]

You dodged a bullet.

[u/Free_Psychology9800]

You have my support. A lot of redditors are absolutely delusional and are hiding behind anonymity. Youve set your boundaries due to past traumas and theres nothing wrong with that at all.

[u/moreprofessional-acc]

You have an overwhelming amount of support here agreeing with you. So it’s a little weird to see two huge edits about the small number of people who disagrees.

[u/itpaystobe]

I honestly feel like nobody did anything wrong here and that OP was simply given some unnecessary details. We don't under what context these details were shared, just that she shared them!

If you're expecting exclusivity from a stranger on date 2 you're a little out of touch with reality. First date there was no opportunity to know if the person is just dating casually or if their looking for a serious commitment? I'm guessing here.

If you're unsolicitedly telling someone you want to date more people before committing to the person you actively on a date with, you're also a little out of touch with reality.

OP, did you ask for exclusivity or something? Is that what prompted this connection to share that info w/ you?

Dinner looks good!

[u/Natural_Exchange_886]

You said advice welcome…

1) if you have admittedly not “fully returned to your body since” x trauma, there’s probably something there to confront and heal before a new relationship.

2) you’ve had two dates. Slow your roll. When what you want becomes pressure on another person, it’s problematic. Why do you feel the need to “lock her down” after TWO DATES? See #1

3) see #1

4) see #1

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Natural_Exchange_886]

Of course there are things I’m still working through. That’s a fair point and I’m very aware of that. But, I’m not sure it follows or is helpful to suggest I therefore “need to heal” before a new relationship. You know nowhere near enough about me to make such a definitive statement.

I presume you’re perfectly healed? Who decides how healed you should be before trying for a new relationship?

If you laid out your struggles here, I wonder if we’d agree you’re “healed enough” to be dating. Your statement is just snark masquerading as wisdom.

As for the two dates point… my goodness—is the delineation between “a personal dating preference” vs “an inter-personal relationship demand” really that hard? I (as in me) don’t want to date multiple people at once, and I want to date people with a similar preference. If you don’t have a similar preference, I leave. How in the world is that “trying to lock her down”? If I were trying to lock her down, I’d be trying to convince her to do what I want. And I did zero amount of that.

I explained why I prefer non-exclusive dating. I don’t want to pour my time and resources into places where they feel undervalued. It’s got nothing to do with controlling other people. Can you wrap your head around that?

Spend some time thinking this through—if a person DOES NOT want to date multiple people at once, what should they do?

Are you honestly suggesting people should be forced to partake in non-exclusive dating? Because that’s the only logical conclusion of your criticism.

[u/GemIsOutrageous]

Yeah, the unfortunate truth is you felt that connection to her, and she probably feels it with a bunch of people.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/GemIsOutrageous]

I think you’re correct, and that’s fine. I’m happy she had enough integrity to be honest.

[u/PrimaryImagination41]

Drop her. Please OP. For your own sanity and wellbeing. Drop her and don’t look back.

[u/Forsaken_Regular_180]

You made the right call. If she wanted to actually be with you, she would've.

That she tried to manipulate you with crocodile tears is a massive red flag too.

Not "everyone" is dating multiple people btw. That's just some "a thief thinks everyone steals" bullshit.

Just keep trudging man.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/Forsaken_Regular_180]

That’s a great line, “A thief thinks everyone steals.” Thank you.

[u/CurrentDismal9115]

I think this is somewhat common, unfortunately. I'm in the same boat as far as not wanting to date anyone who has options. Men are seeking an oasis in the dessert. Women are drowning in salty water no less thirsty. We all attune to our opportunities, and we're always recovering from the last one.

In my opinion, it's better to meet people in a slightly vulnerable state beside them doing something unintentionally than trying to get to know someone intimately when their walls and charm are up from the beginning. That's my nice way of explaining to and for myself as to why I don't need to try and look for someone to date. The apps are all hot garbage for men as well.

[u/Playful_Subject_4409]

She wants a friend's with benefits relationship? It's ok if you want that. Drop her otherwise.

[u/mabsoutw]

The ilusion of abundance of options is a disease (dating apps = so many lovers, LinkedIn = so many career options, Instagram = so many lifes, etc.)

[u/YoursINegritude]

I think it’s good you know what your boundaries are right now. You’ll
meet someone who has similar boundaries as you do.

Sounds like the cheating situation with the previous girlfriend is still fresh and maybe it’s still sensitive. Did you ever go speak with someone professionally, a therapist about the whole thing?

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/YoursINegritude]

Thank you. I’ve been seeing a therapist for years (long before the cheating revelation) and it’s really helped me, to be honest.

It’s also what’s helped me become so confident about what works for me, even if other people try and shame me for it.

[u/BasicList6512]

I think she understood that you needed to process your breakup, and by acting out your past trauma (this is exposure therapy), you can process emotions that you may not be able to access when you are thinking of your ex because your mind sees that ass too intense and shuts down. She did you a favor. Take it easy, take it slow. Remember that in the end, it’s just you. Live a good life. You got this.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/BasicList6512]

Thank you, sir. I’m not sure if I was acting out my trauma but time will tell.

[u/Funny_Scallion4465]

It is so great to hear a man be very self-assured, have integrity, morals, intelligence and class!! Don't change for anyone. You would be the perfect partner for a forever relationship. You will find her when you least expect it. I am proud of you! Take care.

[u/Toomanyeastereggs]

Serial daters are not worth anyone’s time.

[u/buddhist557]

I think you should learn to be stronger. Modern dating requires patience and a lot of open thinking. Demanding exclusivity that fast is a recipe for trouble.

[u/Far_Disk_5491 → u/buddhist557]

Where are you seeing a demand? Since when is walking away from something equivalent to making a demand?

And I’m plenty strong, thanks. It takes strength to walk away from something that isn’t right for you, even though you really don’t want to.

I didn’t get trouble. I got exactly what I wanted—clarity and an intact self-esteem. Just because everyone does something doesn’t mean it’s right for me.